Then comes the baby in the baby carriage....

I knew when I started this blog I maybe should have used a better title. I jinxed myself with it and yes we are pregnant. I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and so far the baby is fine. I on the only hand am scared shitless! How am I going to raise a child? How are we going to be a team that works together to bring up a child the best we can? How are we going to manage a baby when we can barely get the laundry under control?

These questions and others keep playing over and over in my mind like a broken record. I am scared. I am scared I will not be as loving. I am scared I will not be nurturing enough. I am scared my child will resent me one day because I failed. I am scared of failing as a parent. I don't want to fail the small human inside me.

I have so many hopes and dreams and ideas for this baby. I want my child to never worry about money (until it's time for them to leave the nest but hopefully I can teach them to manage money well). I want them to have a good education. I want them to have a protected but fun filled and explorable childhood. I want my child to know I am the parent but I want them to come to me for advice and when they seek comfort. I want to always be able to comfort my child. (I feel this was really lacking in my childhood). I never want to turn them away from hugs and kisses and cuddles. I want to read stories with them and cry with them when they go through their first break up. I want to be the one they look for in the audience during a school play. I just want to be there and I just want to make sure I do not fail this child.

I know my husband will be an excellent father. He is so caring and gentle. His up bringing was also different then mine. He had both parents, married, and living together. I had divorced parents that pretended to get along. He did not have to worry about needing the money to do things at school or church. We scraped by, barely making ends meet. Education and college were encouraged. We did not know if college would even be in the future. I have no doubt he will be a great dad because he came from a great home.

I want to create that kind of home for my child. A childhood where you felt protected and loved. A childhood that felt fulfilled and not empty. I want it to be stress free. I want it to be perfect. I want it to be anything else besides what I had. But how can someone like me fulfill that kind of role that I never experienced? How can I be like my husband and be calm and know I am going to do a good job? How can I ensure I will not fail my baby?

I don't know the answers to these questions. But I do know that God has blessed us with this child. He would not give us something so precious if he thought we couldn't handle it. I know I need to leave things up to him. I need to just open my heart and give him my worries and pray that he will always lead me in the right direction.

Eggs, Chocolate, and Tombs!

It's the beginning of the Easter season! In 40 days from now the Lord Jesus Christ will be Risen!!!!! I love Easter! It's a season of beginnings and new life! Without Easter we have nothing! I am so thankful that I know the Lord and His son! If I didn't I really think I would be lost over the last two days. Right now I am enjoying some gospel songs while writing trying to keep my mind quiet and calm.

I recieved my new classes for next term and I have class every day... ugh at 8am until at 4 pm... Long days. I am just hoping I can get through the last term. I am hoping I do this with as little stress as possible. I think I will be able to manage.

I have so many thoughts on my mind right now. Unfortunately, I don't feel like sharing them. But God does know what I am thinking and I am praying he will get me through this safely and harmlessly.

I am so glad before my stress hit me that I learned to pray more. I pray all the time now, it feels like. I pray in my car mostly and pray about everything! But my favorite prayer is my night time prayer. I think it's my favorite because it's a thanksgiving prayer. I feel sometimes that people forget to be thankful to such a wonderful God who loves us so much and provides everything we need. Thank you Lord for everything... good things to ease the pain and suffering, the bad things for helping us grow and change, and the love and blessings you have given us freely!

I finished my last clinical of this semester today! I really enjoyed our OB clinicals! A student passed out in the OR today watching a c-section! The best part was she passed out before they even made a cut!

I got to take a patient who didn't speak English! It was hard to communicate but with the five words of Spanish I know we figured it out :)! I also got to spend a few moments with the babies!

I love holding babies! I love babies! lol! It was very nice to sit in the Nursery and hold this tiny little baby! I know now why people want kids! I'll just stick to cuddling others for now though!

On another note I think I am finally getting over some type of bug! On Monday I was really sick. I was throwing up and I had GI issues. (belly problems) Then on Tuesday I felt better. On Wednesday I was feeling really good! Then Yesterday I was running up my stairs every 4 minutes. Today I feel a little better but my lower back hurts pretty bad. But I do feel better! I think sleeping has really helped.

Well, I just felt bad about not having anything to really write about. Hopefully tomorrow I will have more to speak of. I was thinking of posting my paper that I am going to write. We will see! Until then, sorry for the short little update that's not much fun!

My Bucket List

I decided to write out a bucket list because I feel like it! I hope you enjoy! (They are not in any kind of order)

1. Go Indoor Skydiving
2. Go to California
3. Go to Canada
4. Work in Labor and Delivery
5. Work in Fertility Research
6. Become a Mommy
7. Learn how to ballroom dance
8. Swim in the ocean
9. Do mission work
10. Get my PhD
11. Be apart of a Flash Mob
12. Learn to drive on ice
13. learn to jitterbug
14. write a book/short story and get it published
15. design my dream home
16. learn how to be a balloon sculpter
17. Draw a really cool picture
18. teach a class
19. be an inspiration
20. write a song and sing it for people

What's on your bucket list?

Just a venting Rant!

I am so sick and tired of trying to please everyone when no one ever really cares if you please them or not. All people want to do is get things for themselves! I am tired of people giving me excuses of why they can't hang out or why this or why that! I am sick and tired of it! I am a good person and I do everything I can to help people out most the time and what do I have to show for it? I sit alone whenever my husband is not home waiting on my cell phone to ring and I get nothing! People say they are my friends but I doubt it 100%! I am tired of reaching out to other people and shut down because of them. I guess I am doomed to live my life as a loner doing everything for everybody and spend all my time while my husband is at work by myself. What great friends! I am so frustrated right now at everyone that it's ridiculous! So, if you are my friend don't give me excuses why we can't hang out! Just because I am married doesn't mean I want to spend ALL of my time with my husband! I love him and all but I need a break from him every once in a while! Which brings me to cleaning the house! I am tired of being the only one who cleans the house! I have stopped cleaning for the past 3 weeks in hopes that my husband would help pick up some of the slack and go figure nothing has happened! It never does! I am fed up with everyone in life! On top of these feelings I was super sick yesterday! No one cared except my husband. He finally went out got me some stuff to try to make me feel better (which it do) but no one called me to check on me like I do them and I am sick of being shunned by "friends". I just want to know what I did to make people stop contacting me. I miss my friends and I miss spending time with them. I don't know what to do. :'(

Blisters on my feet and heart!

I returned safely from my trip to Akron Children's Hospital. It is a wonderful, family centered care facility! They have so many units and so many neat things for kids and their families! The best thing was the hands on care we got to perform as nursing students! I got to see new things and experience new things! I got to work with ventilators (a machine that breathes for you or helps you breathe) and I got to work with kids! It was so much fun to play with the children there and to get to take care of a patient who you got to be silly with! There were down sides though. Really tough down sides.

The sad part of this whole experience was the children who were there without any body. Because of HIPAA I can't explain about any of the patients but I can tell you it's hard to see sick children with no one. I can't imagine the stories that go with some of the children or the reasons why but I am upset that they were alone. It broke my heart to see them there. I can't comprehend how someone could let a healthy child go let alone a sick one. I could never do that. Just leave my child in the hospital day in and day out to be cared for by nurses and doctors and not participate in their care! But as a nurse I have to be non-judgmental of these parents.

Do you know how hard it is to not judge the parents! I keep trying to tell myself that they have their reasons but honestly being myself I can't find a single one that makes it ok! I am struggling really hard to understand it all. I know I can't change it but I really wish I could. My heart goes out to the children of the world that are forgotten.

All in all I did have a good experience. I learned a lot and I struggled! Which makes one heck of a clinical! Thanks to Akron Children's! They have a wonderful staff and they are terrific health care providers and I am lucky to have been able to work with them for 22.5 hours!

Well, I have a blister on the bottom of my left foot that popped right before we left Akron and the sleep number beds in the hotel were terrible! (Or I had my sleep number wrong! LOL) I am very tired and I have to finish a lot of homework for Monday! Please pray for the children and have a good evening!

Leaving My Husband Behind

So, tomorrow I leave for my clinicals  in Akron that is 3 hours away. Since I have lived with my husband (a year and a half) I have not spent a night away from him. This really freaks me out. I don't know how I will react. I hope I can hold myself together and not cry all day or night. I know I will be very cold. He keeps me very warm at night. But it's still scary to think that I will be without him for 2 days. I know it's not that long but it's nerve racking. It's also nerve racking to have to be going to Akron. I hate bad weather and of course it's calling for snow on the 2 days we are there. Next, I am terrified to work with kids. I really don't want to have to give them medications. Administering medications are scary enough but once you add being a kid with the mix it's gets really scary. I am praying God will cut me some slack and bring me a piece of mind. But all this kid talk brings me to some other thoughts.

Pregnancy. It is all around me right now. I know 9 pregnant women! One is my little sister. On top of all these pregnant women, people keep asking me when my hubby and I will be trying for children. First of all I think this is no one's business but mine and my husbands. Second I don't think people can ever try for children. You either have a child or you don't. You can stop preventing from not having children but I don't think you can try. My answer to this question is when God says let there be child! But for now we are preventing pregnancy to the best of our abilities, so please quit asking!