I knew when I started this blog I maybe should have used a better title. I jinxed myself with it and yes we are pregnant. I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and so far the baby is fine. I on the only hand am scared shitless! How am I going to raise a child? How are we going to be a team that works together to bring up a child the best we can? How are we going to manage a baby when we can barely get the laundry under control?
These questions and others keep playing over and over in my mind like a broken record. I am scared. I am scared I will not be as loving. I am scared I will not be nurturing enough. I am scared my child will resent me one day because I failed. I am scared of failing as a parent. I don't want to fail the small human inside me.
I have so many hopes and dreams and ideas for this baby. I want my child to never worry about money (until it's time for them to leave the nest but hopefully I can teach them to manage money well). I want them to have a good education. I want them to have a protected but fun filled and explorable childhood. I want my child to know I am the parent but I want them to come to me for advice and when they seek comfort. I want to always be able to comfort my child. (I feel this was really lacking in my childhood). I never want to turn them away from hugs and kisses and cuddles. I want to read stories with them and cry with them when they go through their first break up. I want to be the one they look for in the audience during a school play. I just want to be there and I just want to make sure I do not fail this child.
I know my husband will be an excellent father. He is so caring and gentle. His up bringing was also different then mine. He had both parents, married, and living together. I had divorced parents that pretended to get along. He did not have to worry about needing the money to do things at school or church. We scraped by, barely making ends meet. Education and college were encouraged. We did not know if college would even be in the future. I have no doubt he will be a great dad because he came from a great home.
I want to create that kind of home for my child. A childhood where you felt protected and loved. A childhood that felt fulfilled and not empty. I want it to be stress free. I want it to be perfect. I want it to be anything else besides what I had. But how can someone like me fulfill that kind of role that I never experienced? How can I be like my husband and be calm and know I am going to do a good job? How can I ensure I will not fail my baby?
I don't know the answers to these questions. But I do know that God has blessed us with this child. He would not give us something so precious if he thought we couldn't handle it. I know I need to leave things up to him. I need to just open my heart and give him my worries and pray that he will always lead me in the right direction.
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